Hello, I am back!
Sorry I have pretty much been MIA for the past few months. I wish I had some wonderful tall tale of some fantastic life I have been living, but unfortunately I will have to disappoint you as I kind of don’t. In fact, I have kind of spent the past few months trapped inside my own head and isolating myself away from the world which for any one who battles daily with crippling anxiety will know isn’t the best of ideas for your mental health.
It all started with a tiny health scare I had way back at the beginning of November and I had to attend all those appointments for that scare alone, which is okay I guess and it can’t be helped, but it also got to me that I didn’t have anyone close to turn to during that time period partner wise to console me, cos it was freaking terrifying. Then the Christmas period rocked up, which is so much fun but so stressful when you work in retail. It’s also super shit if you don’t have that special ‘someone’ to share all that christmas joy with… or so I kept being told.
Ironically, I really enjoyed Christmas alone. I didn’t have to run around or wait around for someone to appear, I spent a long time in the bath listening to music from the 40s, I spent boxing day curled up on the sofa under a blanket drinking (and not sharing) my bottle of prosecco whilst watching old black and white movies. But then it started. ‘Oh this time next year you might have found that special someone at last’, ‘I just want you to be happy and married and settled down’ and even worse, a wonderful friend of mine (no sarcasm I actually love her to bits) embarrassingly messaged the first boy I have liked in a LONG time all this weird .. weird stuff (trust me if you need to know one thing about me it is that I am not a ‘lovey dovey’ emotion sharing person, these walls are firmly up!) and that was that… Defensive mode kicked in, spiral to hell occurred.
This strange interest in my relationship status or therefore lack of it has been the topic of conversation with every person I know since. I mean, are you single? Do you experience this weird absolute shit show of a topic on an almost weekly basis? Cos its honestly starting to wear a bit thin for me like. In the past four months I have let it get to me so much I have decided to write this strange post and I have also at times cried myself to sleep. There’s nothing WORSE than being reminded constantly that you’re not wanted by another person or that your just quite frankly not good enough. I have been asked / told things like, my hair colour and tattoos are too intimidating, I don’t have a problem finding a man its the fact I can’t hold onto one, I act like a 10-year-old boy and should be more girly and grown up, I can’t live like a spinster. I’m 27… 27.
Like, what the actual…
So anyway, less ranting more positive. This past week I have sat back and looked at my life and I wrote a small list of things I would like to achieve by this time next year (which I totally recommend) and not once did it cross my mind to write on this list ‘to find a nice man and settle down’. If anything its the absolute opposite. So then I got thinking, as you do in the early hours of the morning when your meant to be asleep as you have work in 4 hours, and I realised in the past four months of me being upset and down for not ‘having a man’ I have never actually wanted to find one. Everytime a boy spoke to me or asked me out I would mimic the Homer Simpson backing into a bush to disappear gif. If truth be told, I am really content with where I am in life and I am very excited for what this next year holds and how I am going to grow as a person. If somebody finds me and wants to join me on my adventures* during that time period then okay cool, if not then okay cool.
Anyway I’m going to wrap this up as I am nearing 800 words on this strange pointless post. I will however say if you are also single and are experiencing any of the above then please know you are NOT alone and honestly just screw society. Enjoy being you and remember the words in image below!
Also!!! Now my head is firmly back into being the best me I can be mode (dinosaurs, games ’10 year old boy’ things and all) this means I will be trying to focus on this little part of the internet a bit more! I have even created a post schedule / timetable for the whole of April! Lets see if I can stick to it!
*sitting in my room with an excessive xbox / ps4 addiction.